Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Blew out my flip flop…
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns