Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.