If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Double negatives are never not confusing.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.