I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My first son he is wonderful
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.