[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.