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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing