All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!