Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
just make the entire table out of coaster