The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I’m already scared
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.