Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
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I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?