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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!