Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*