by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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For cardio I live beyond my means.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
thank god the sign was there
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.