You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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Morningbreath
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.