Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
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Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.