me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.