Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
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I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh