I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!