“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
God has left this place
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.