Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.