i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.