[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
#parenting
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???