Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.