*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
*launders Kohls cash*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.