Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The Friday File.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!