“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?