Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t