I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers