My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know