Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die