Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
normalize having existential bread
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.