[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
mom had nothing to worry about