my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk