I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Mountain Goat : )
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla