I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.