My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
who named him groot and not spruce lee
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders