I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
The Punning Dead.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours