“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.