“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*