My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.