Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
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Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.