7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Mhm.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns