We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
The days of good grammer has went
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”