Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
brian had himself a morning…
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no