So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Why font matters.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
three things we don’t talk about
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.