Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
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Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”