Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
This anagram machine is out of order.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme