[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please