I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
You Might Also Like
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
fly smarter, not harder
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture