Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
This bar smells like my childhood.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Saturday
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time